Tick Tock......

As I write this, it is a day under 5 weeks until I am back in the UK. I am sat in the new apartment, which is posh, with my iPod in the docking station. The settee I am sat on is a big black leather one. It’s horrible. It’s meant to be posh, but with poshness comes uncomfortableness. Like those posh chairs they have in trendy shops that cost a fortune but are about as comfortable as sitting on nails.  There is a really annoying triad of beeping coming from the apartment somewhere every 3 minutes or so. It is driving me mad. I can’t tell where it’s coming from, as no matter where I go, the loudness of the beeping is consistent as the previous time. It has beeped again. There is a knock at the door. It was Gricey. He needed use my phone call someone. Skank.

So, home time soon. I am getting nervous now. I am feeling the same feelings I got about a month before I came over here. What is it going to be like when I go home? I know it will be weird not having housekeeping coming every week. I will miss that. I won’t miss the water from over here though. When showering, I can’t get my shampoo to lather up like it does back home. I can only blame the water. And maltesers here are disgusting. The chocolate isn’t the same as back home. The chocolate is a cross between dog chocolates, and the chocolate you get in cheap advent calendars. It’s very powdery if that makes sense. The inside of the maltesers remain the same though. Still, it’s a half arsed job. There goes the beeping again. This time it was four beeps I think. I’m trying to think of anything else that is different over here. I know the bread here is better. It keeps for like a week before it starts to go stale. Even then it’s nice toasted. But I think that if a loaf of bread is lasting someone longer than 3 or 4 days, something isn’t right. Back home a loaf is gone pretty quick. I have seeded bread over here. It has loads of bitty seeds and nuts in. I remember when I was a little kid, I used to think that if you swallowed a seed, that stuff would grow inside your stomach and then come out of you. I reckon that goes a long to explain why I wouldn’t eat apples, and anything else with seeds in. I soon learnt that the stomach is not capable of growing trees though, so all ended well. Also when I was younger I couldn’t understand why when I placed my finger on a map of the UK, a giant finger didn’t come through the sky. The strange things we think when we are young. I can remember loads of insignificant little things from when I was younger. It was only a few years ago that I discovered cheesecake doesn’t actually have cheese as such in it. I was always under the impression that it had like a half pound of cheddar in. I never did get why people used to rave on about it all the time.

On a little side note, it dawned on me the other day, that as far as I can recollect, I have never properly tried egg. I have had egg fried rice, and Easter eggs, but I cannot remember a time just eating an egg. I am a proper fussy bugger with food, so it wouldn’t surprise me. So, my mate Ruth is going make me an egg scrambled, so I can see what the fuss is about. I am scared, but at the same time, I am excited. 28 years and no egg. Wow.

So, back on track a little bit. Home time soon. I am torn between emotions about coming home. On the one side, I am going to miss Australia terribly. It really is such an amazing place to live. There is just so much goodness about this place, so much friendlier than back home. Recently I had my wallet stolen from the apartment, and a few of the Australian staff were immediately offering to lend me money. I even had someone from the UK offer to wire me some money until payday to help me out. That was a seriously amazing gesture. So as I have already said before, cheers Yvonne! Speaking of the theft of my wallet, I had been waiting for over 2 weeks for a letter to be sent out just to start the paperwork to get my money back ($220). So after returning from the gym I went across to the bank which is a 30 second walk away. When I got there I waited to see someone, and I got beckoned over to a waiting clerk. Her name was Holly, and she was properly loaded (boobs, fairly decent size, I reckoned about a UK 32/4 d without a doubt). I told her I was waiting for a letter to come through after having my card used when it was stolen, and she picked up the phone, spoke to someone and within literally a minute the money was back in my account!! “I hate paperwork”, she said as she handed my card back to me. What a star!! So today started off pretty good. It got better when I went to the butchers and got 3 of the biggest chicken breasts I have ever seen. Today is looking good for breasts on many levels.

Got side-tracked again!

The beeping is still happening by the way.

I am going to miss the weather here as well. I have acclimatised, but I have no tan. Stay safe in the sun is my new motto, as well as many more. I have two tone arms though where my t-shirts stop on my arms. However I get this back in the UK, so it’s all good. It hasn’t rained now for months, but they as of yet haven’t introduced a hosepipe ban. I wonder why we always have hosepipe bans. It makes me laugh that in one news programme, you are told about hosepipe bans, and then floods. Irony springs to mind. It is always warm here, a real nice comfortable warm though as its dry season at the moment, but the wet season is slowly creeping up on us. So by the time I board the plane to Bali, I expect it to be more humid than it is currently.

I won’t miss the fighter jets. For the past few weeks, they go over about 8 times a day. And they are loud. Way too loud. We are about 15k away from the military base, so the moment they start them up, you can hear them. And then when they fly over, it isn’t one at a time. Oh no. it’s about 6 of them, so you get the noise of an earthquake flying over your head. Then they turn around, fly past again, return to the base, have a brew, and then take off again. I could understand if Australia was active in conflicts why they would practise these runs. But they aren’t engaged in any conflicts. I see the army men all the time up town shopping. Why not practice the fighter jet flying when it looks like were about to go to war? So much fuel being wasted. And when they fly past, it sends the bush turkeys fucking crazy. So even when the noise of the planes has settled, you then have to put up with those annoying little scrotes whinging. Something is beeping again.

I won’t miss the cashpoints over here. They are messed up. If you go and try and get $10 out, it will tell you to enter amounts in quantities of $50. Even though I only want $10 it tries make you get $50 out. I don’t want $50’s though. But the messed up thing though, is that if you choose $30 it will give you a $20 and a $10. That isn’t multiples of $50’s. So it can give me a $10 bill then, but why not on its own. I don’t like that. It encourages me to spend money. Not good.

I won’t miss the taxis over here. They aren’t like back home. They charge by the time, not distance, so if you are in traffic because someone in front can’t fathom what a green light is, you then pay for their incompetence. Once we went out, and we were at a junction for ages, and I counted the cost to sit still, at a traffic light. $2.80. No wonder taxi drivers slow down at lights even when they are still on green.

I have played out the day I arrive back home so many times already in my head. I know that the moment we land, I will be updating Facebook to say something like ‘I’m back in the UK LOL’.  I have imagined being picked up from work by my mum and/or sister. And I know they will cry. Cry when I leave, cry when I get back, I just can’t win! I cannot wait to see everybody. I don’t think I can begin to explain just how much I am excited about seeing everyone. I have so many people to see when I’m back its mental. I think I will need a PA for a week or so, just to arrange my first week back. I need to buy a car, sort out accommodation and buy some boxer shorts. I will also need a haircut, I have been having them over here, but they aren’t the same. I need to go to home bargains and get a truck load of tuna and rice as I have missed it over here. The tuna doesn’t taste the same. I think it may be because the fish have more of a sun tan and it affects how they taste. I like my tuna with no sun tan. I need to buy new clothes as well as a lot of my t-shirts are baggy and I miss wearing polo shirts. I also have worn chinos over here and I like them so I think I will invest in some more upon my return. I also need to buy another new wallet, as my latest one I got here broke within 2 weeks. The zipper bust open, but that was only due to the novelty sized 50c pieces they have over here. Honestly, they’re huge. Is like handing a saucer over when you use them. I have also bought 4 pairs of trainers whilst being over here. I always knew I had an issue with trainers. I reckon I have about 30 pairs now in total. Not here, but back home.

I’m excited to go out on MONDAY SEPTEMBER 17^TH UP HANLEY DUCK. Seriously, I cannot wait. I even got my mutter (German for mother) and my sister coming out up Hanley Duck to throw some shapes. I have already told people on the Facebook events page that Janice can bust out some shapes. She can’t, but I can’t wait to see people grinding up on her. That sounds wrong reading it back. But you know what I mean, not necessarily grinding, but dropping the pigeon in front of her. (The pigeon is a simple dance move for anyone; it involves a simple backwards and forwards motion of movement with the head, imitating a pigeon. It is mainly used when one isn’t sure of what dance moves to pull off. The pigeon can be used to any song.) She may surprise me, and bust out some epic moves and impress everyone.  I know it will be epic. Also, since being over here, I have had to do the ‘Australian Root’, as if I did the UK Robot, I would look a fool. So I can feel the UK Robot having to make his first appearance in over six months. I need start practicing. The beeping is still happening.

I don’t condone binge drinking. I see news stories of how bad we are as country for binge drinking. I’m sorry, but I will be a part of these statistics on that Monday. I intend to get messy. And when I say messy, I mean messy. I am talking messy messy. Messy as never before. Like an Eton mess, but with Oxford, Cambridge and Stoke chucked in as well. If I can still make use of all my limbs after the night out, then I have failed. I fully expect to wake up the next day, or the day after that, with the biggest hangover ever. Because, when you have a hangover, it is compulsory to indulge in a plain double cheddar. (A plain double cheddar for those of you that are unaware, is a plain double cheeseburger from McDonalds). I may even have 2 plain double cheddars, with a portion of fries, and an Orange Fanta. Orange Fanta is the ultimate drink to have after a heavy night; the orange flavour re-ignites the taste buds and gets rid of the booze fur you develop on your tongue. I am also looking forward to busting moves and shapes with everyone. I hope that the dance floors are slightly wet enough to enable friction free foot movement, but not too much to cause one to slip over. That would be disastrous. Falling over upon my return from Oz wouldn’t be a good thing. I also don’t expect to buy my own drinks on my night out. Firstly, everyone missed my birthday as it was in May and I was over here, and secondly, I will be back home, and people should buy me a drink to say hello. I may take £20 out with me just in case. I am also curious as to what my first drunken dirty food will be. Up Hanley Duck there is a whole variety of dirty shops to buy dirty food from, however I may be sleeping over at my mate’s house in Newcastle, and there are also a good selection of dirty fast food places there as well. I have a sneaking suspicion that regardless of what I have, I will be asked if I want ‘sauce and relish with that boss?’, to which I will definitely reply with a ‘no’. No amount of drunkenness will cause me to have devil sauce on any of my purchases. I’m thinking chips, and a small, no a large cheesy garlic bread.

I am super excited about seeing my friends. Just hearing their voices and seeing them will be like a million Christmas’ at once. I can imagine that I will either be full of emotions and silent when I’m out, or I will be a 12/10 and going crazy mental stupid. So if you see me, and I’m all quiet and just looking around, please rest assured, it won’t be because I’m sad or miserable, it will because I am humbled by seeing everyone. I am actually getting butterflies now just thinking of seeing everyone. I know I ramble on about it, but being detached from the people who are the closest to you for 6 months is not easy. I am also a bit apprehensive of seeing everyone as well. What will they expect of me? Are they going to think that I’m different or that I’ve changed? Will I fit back in again? I feel like there is a burden for me to return as the same person I was when I left. I’m afraid that isn’t the case. Australia has changed me. It is definitely for the better, but it has changed me. The best way I can describe it, is that it has amplified my positives, but toned down, and in some cases, removed the negatives. I think that being able to do this has made me appreciate a lot more things. I think I always had some degree of appreciation in a lot of things I did, but I think being over here as slightly amended my perspectives. I am still the loud, annoying obnoxious person you all knew before, but I think I have become sensitized to more things. It’s like since being over here, I have been able to see things a lot clearer, and I can smell things better. I smile more, even when I’m alone and just chilling out, I smile. I feel like am better person for being out here. It has made me appreciate my closest friends a lot more and it has definitely shown me who my real friends are, and who I need to cut out of my life. My closest friends have constantly kept in touch since I have been out here, and I will reward them in the one way I think appropriate. I will buy them all plain double cheddars. I joke. No I don’t, I will buy them all plain double cheddars, but I will thank them all by being there for them when they need me. I can’t explain how nice it is to wake up to a Facebook message that simply says ‘I miss you sooo much’. It is the small things like that for example, that can seriously make your day. If my friends can still make me smile from over 9000 miles away, then they are friends that will always be in my life. I don’t need to name names, as you all know who you are, but guys, seriously thank you. You have kept me going whilst I have been over here.

Beeping still continues.

I’m slightly nervous about work. I can’t walk in and be the new guy in the department. It’s not fair for me to walk in and be the ‘noob’. There are loads of people in my department who weren’t there when I left. I need to make sure that when I go back, I’m not the ‘noob’. I’m thinking I should get a t-shirt printed that says ‘I’m not a noob’.  I best get hugs as well when I’m back. Actually, that may be a bad idea; I can’t make everyone queue up for a hug. It will be too disruptive to the staff.  I don’t know when I should go in work. Do I do it on the day I land, just pop in and say ‘hi’ and make everyone’s day. Or should I make them wait longer until my first day back at work? This is something I haven’t thought of until now. I need to further think about this and devise a plan of action.

What if I have forgotten how to do my job? They say it is like riding a bike apparently. I fell off my bike after not riding one for a few years. It doesn’t shape up to well at the moment!! I hope I get a bit of training when I’m back. Hopefully it will all come flooding back to me like a song. Sometimes I hear a song I haven’t heard for years, but I still know the lyrics. For example, the song ‘Wind of Change’, I haven’t heard that in years but I still know the lyrics, even though I do refer to the town they sing about as ‘donkey kong’.

I will miss some of the adverts they have over here. Back home, we simply couldn’t get away with them. For example, and I swear to god I am not exaggerating, there is an advert that starts off with, ‘What’s big and black and gets the job done?’.  If we are honest, I would say that all of you immediately thought of a black penis. Admit it, you did. If you didn’t I’m curious to know what you thought of. There is another similar advert that starts off with ‘Do you want a threesome?’ If you aren’t immediately thinking of kink, then there is something wrong with you. The adverts in question are both about power tools. The threesome meaning you get 3 tools, that are all black. If that was aired back in the UK, there would be complaints for days. If you are still even now thinking of black penis, you’re dirty.

There is another advert, where a woman is sat down with a scrunched up face, and she says ‘I need to drop the kids off at the pool’. Immediately, I thought she was going to shit herself. It turns out, she was taking her kids swimming, and then she was taking her car for a service. In the same adverts, she goes on about how she needs all of her nooks and crannies checking. She is referring to her cars nooks and crannies. The advert is for a car servicing company.

Another advert that is gross, I first had the pleasure of seeing when I was eating some food. In the middle of a Family Guy episode, (which by the way is on for an hour as there are commercials all the bastard time) it came on. It lasted a mere 10 seconds, (that’s what she said), but I t was enough to make me want to hurl. It just showed the most disgusting, foul, dirty mingiest toe ever. Loads of dirty toe nail crud oozing out of it. Then a voiceover comes on, ‘Do you have toe fungus? Darwin Podiatry’.  But, just as you have about managed to swallow the vomit that instantly came to your mouth, they run another advert a few minutes later that shows another horrid picture of a hobbits foot with what can only be described as scabies all over it. ‘Athletes foot? Darwin Podiatry.’

But, I have saved the best for last. It’s not vulgar, it is just funny. You see a fit bird walking down the street, legs out, stunning long legs that don’t end, a proper tight red dress, hugging every curve of her body, she is absolutely loaded, and the cleavage is busting out, some awesome DNA in her boobs, her parents did an A* job of creating her. Then you see her face, flawless, skin is beautiful, her hair flows effortlessly past her eyes that glisten in the sun. She is stunning, and you see three lads staring at her, all proper lusting over her. Then, as she walks past them, she throws her head back, her hair swoosh’s in the air and she turns around, looks at the guys who are staring at her, and she cracks a smile. And in that 1/100^th of a second, you can see that at one stage her mum clearly was having an affair with Mr Edd, and she has the biggest most disgusting teeth you ever did see. It looks like she has doors for teeth. And with that, the picture of a Greek/Asian bald doctor pops up, and you are told about his cosmetic dentistry shop. Brilliant.

And that folks is nearly all for me for now. My time here is now ticking down, and soon I will be home. I will miss Australia greatly. At the end of the day, the things that annoy me about Australia are small trivial tiny little insignificant things. I could easily cope with the annoying cashpoints, or the sly taxi drivers. Australia has the weather, it has the boobs, it has nearly everything I could possibly want and need. But, it doesn’t have my family or my amazing friends. That’s why I can’t wait to come home.

Peace xx

PS, the beeping was the dishwasher.